Spiritually Numb September

I felt the earth

Beneath my feet

Sat by the river 

And it made me complete

Lord, I feel the earth under my feet. I'm sitting by the river and it's making me complete. But Lord you, simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. So, tell me when, you're gonna let me in. I've been getting tired for three long years and I really need somewhere, a place, to begin with.

I have an amazing future ahead of me. Filled with a large lumen, hectic schedules of an average consultant psychologist and I wonder if I'll ever find goodness again. It's been a while since I've experienced joy. (Happiness and Joy are two different things).  

I want to place my right foot ahead on the way of my "God planned" future. So many things, while, pulling me back, including my health and responsibilities at College. I never thought I'd be in 4 different ramps at a time when I headed to my freshman year. How many days, I'll live with these many tangled thoughts inside my head? A week? A month? A year? 

I find it hard Lord, to completely rely on you. I want to, I really want to. But I can't. What's stopping me? Sin? But, I repented alright? Or is it the cause of 'Not reading your word'? But I tried, alright? Then what on earth is the reason for this burning?